He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
