girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
