What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
