No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
