i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize