God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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