if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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