I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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