There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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