the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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