We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
