No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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