Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Randomize
