evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
