He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
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