Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Randomize
