i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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