If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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