He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Randomize