I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize
