Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
