and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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