I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
