your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
