I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
