I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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