I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
