her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
