There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
