haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
