I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
