So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
