i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Sober January is a disaster.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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