hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Pants are for mortals
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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