I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
