my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize