Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
well, you know. whores of a feather.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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