My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize