I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Randomize
