Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I enjoy the company of your penis
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