dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
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