Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
