I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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