I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
