Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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