He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize