I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
this just has baby written all over it
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Randomize
