they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
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