Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
