I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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