That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
