If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
