I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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