I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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