So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
