The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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