And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
