just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Even my vagina gasped.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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