yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Randomize
