my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
