did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Randomize
