my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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