So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
