Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
