also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
