if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
